the current order in an over priced over roasted over rated coffee shop...

...and yet i drink their Kool Aid... i'm becoming of them... one of they... one of someone...

why you may ask...

...hell if i know i may answer...

all i know is that this recession best leave my coffee alone...

i wonder if i could get the government to subsidize a coffee pipeline to my home...

see... that's doing something good with my tax money...

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

"most of the people you hate don't know and the rest don't care"

statement borrowed from someone... who borrowed it from someone else... to which the best we can tell pulled it out of their head... and i couldn't have said it better

and yet... i still feel the need to let folks know that i hate other folks...

the folks i hate today... change payers...

you're in kinda a hurry... you plan to rush in... trample an old woman or two... grab the last of the product that you needed as someone else is reaching for it... cut in the line when someone turns their head...

... you get behind this person... you know who you are... you have to pull out the change purse, dig to the bottom of your jimmy hoffa bag, pull out the zip lock bags that as though they've been recycled for the past ten years or your version of a coinstar machine pulled by ringo, your pet monkey...

...what is worse... it's not like you pull your change out, feverishly count the correct amount of change, and get the hell out of my way...

...no... you know what you do... you spill the 45 dollars and 28 cents that you've been saving up for months now all over the counter

...and you don't start with the silver... oh no... that would make sense... instead you start to count the 98 cents that you need by counting out the pennies...

...one... two...three...four...five...six...

...was that six? oh dear... i think i lost count...

...one...two..three

meanwhile... my foot taps... i spin around trying to distract my mind with the non essential things that i don't need to buy... look at the person (that i cut in front of) and shake my head... turn back around... roll my eyes... sigh heavily... cuss under my breath... contemplate murder...

...i don't do well in public...

...it could be the coffee...

Before she passed, I never felt that way. Never thought twice about it really. Even after losing my grandmother and my great grandmother. With those two, I can say that I can understand the timing of their death.

My mom was 41. Heart-attack. Boom. Gone.

It's scary to think she had lived half her life by the time she was 20. I would be curious to know, had that knowledge had been available to her, what different choices she would have made.

I travel through the internet reading different things from different people about their lives and their view of life itself.

You have the angst teens who think that death is cool and around the corner. It's the 'in' thing to think, plus the understanding of what life is, really at that moment is lost to them. You don't start understanding it until later or until you've had a defining moment which changes the way you view life.

You have people that have done incredible amount of things with their lives. Makes your life seem simple and small. Funny thing is, most of them comment about people that they think make their life seem simple and small.

Then you have the ones I don't understand. People that place themselves in a life situation, don't do a thing about it, and then complain about how much longer of a life they have to live.

Before my mom passed, I started learning that I had a bit of control of my life. Sure some decisions are harder than others to make. Some decisions to make your life and living situation better take some balls, some courage, and a lot of work to accomplish.

I was at a dead end job working behind a drill rig. Getting to work before the sun got up and working past the sun went down. The apartment I was living in had a great deal of memories that kept me sad and depressed.

Then one day...I was talking to a guy who was near his 50's. He'd been drilling for 30 something years. It was literally all that he knew. He was for the most part a miserable person that wished all the time that he could do something different.

"When I started this job, it was supposed to be temporary," he says to me one day during breakfast. "Next thing I know, 10 years passed by, then 20, now 30, I guess it's all I'm meant to do"

I'd been having that same conversation with myself. Except, for me it was only 2 1/2 years. I watched him work that day with the wheels turning in my head. It was the most profound thing he had ever said in the time I knew him and trust me, he didn't have that much profoundness in him.

When this conversation took place, I had one week before I needed to resign the lease to my apartment. That day, while I was watching him work, a simple thought entered my mind.

"I don't want to be him. What can I do?"

I pondered it for a week and I made a decision the day I signed my lease. I signed a six month lease and turned in a six month notice to my work. The day my lease was up, I was going to move.

Not just to a new apartment, but to a new town/city. I was going to get a different job. If I had to, I would get two jobs. I was going to enjoy my life and not look back at it and say "I guess it's all I was meant to do".

Since then, I took a dream of mine to live by the ocean and have done that. When a job opportunity came to have a different life experience across the country... I did that.

It's not easy leaving the self built prison you build for yourself. It's comfortable, it's predictable, it's just simply known. But it is what it is, a self built prison.

I believe that if you are past your teen years, you are old enough to make decisions in your life that make it happy or make it miserable. You could blame the past, but the past is not the present and it surely is not the future. People make small choices everyday that will affect their future.

For instance, the simple fact that you chose to come to my site and read this post in it's entirety was one of a million choices you could have made. You could have eaten something, you could have visited someone else, you could gone to the store, you could have gone to an amusement park, you could be packing your old life and making a new one...etc..

Thing is... life is what you make of it with the everyday choices that shape it. If you make the same choices repeatedly, please don't come to me bitching about how boring and mundane it is. You chose it to be that way, therefore, you must want it that way, and if you want it that way, I don't understand why you are bitching about it.

I'm trying to chose not to be scared that people closest to me could move on. That's a thing that I need to work on.

But I can say this, and I think my wife agrees with me, if at some point we find our lives to be unsatisfying, we're going to make a choice to change it, because we both know that the work we put into doing that, the better our lives will be...

...and there will be no regrets when looking back and no wishing for death to knock on our door.

Now take that to the next step... a government construction project. This gets a little trickier. Back in the day, Reagan changed a policy that since has let contractors pick their own quality control company. Now, if your doing test for the people that are paying you, test just might get skewed a little so that the person paying your checks doesn't get mad... or you might be so instructed to do so.

To combat this, the government hires another quality control company to look after the contractor's quality control to keep them in check. This what they call quality assurance.

I told you that so I could tell you this...

This was my job at a point in my life... quality assurance for a new EPA facility.

I had just moved myself to start my life over... new city, new job... and I wanted to make a good impression as most people do when they just start a new job. I would eventually come to totally hate the job... but that's tale for a different time.

I would spend my day traveling all over the site review the quality control test that were taken by the other company and complete test of my own. There was a guy that did a great deal of the soil testing (testing for compaction so that things don't sink into the ground after being built). For the life of me, I can't remember his name... and i've been trying for days...

I remember him mostly due to the fact that he had just had surgery on his stomach. It seems his intestinal track separated itself from his stomach. Needless to say, I didn't envy him that scenario.

We'll call him John for a lack of a better name.

About two weeks into my job, John and I were yacking about some small inconsequential thing when we noticed that a contractor was filling in a pipe line hole... and rather fast.

Now, when contractors are filling a hole, they are to do it in layers. I think it was like a foot and half or two feet... and then compact it. It then gets tested. If approved, the process starts over. If not approved then they have to rework it, get it retested until it passes.

John had yet completed any test on this area.

...also, when I say hole... I mean something that was like 20 feet wide... 10 feet deep... or something close to that approximate.

John mentioned to the contractor that he needed to test the soil and proceeded down the hole.

The contractor continued to work on his backhoe while John was in the hole, which was unsafe.

John and I both signaled to him to hold up while John did his test.

A common sense thing to do... right?

About fifteen minutes later, John had just completed his soil test, two gentlemen walked up to me.

One had a hard hat on that had his company's logo and his name labeled across the top.

"Do you know who I am?" he asks.

"You must be Bob", I say... because that was the name on the hat. Before that moment, I had never laid eyes on the man or even knew who he was. My guard was instantly up because anyone coming to you and asking you "if you know who they are" are more than likely about to be an ass.

"I would like to know why I was called out of a meeting for a 'stop work order'"

Now a stop work order is a big deal, but is normally used in times that there is a serious problem and all work on for that particular project needs to be halted. There's normally some paperwork involved. So as you can imagine, this wasn't a true 'stop work order' in any way, and I tried to tell Mr. Bob this.

Except when I would get three words out of my mouth, he'd interrupt me and say accuse me of this that and the other.

I'm an even tempered person and I tend to stay that way when I am able to express and explain what is going on.

After about the 10th time of being interrupted, John told me later, I started walking in a circle every time Bob spoke interrupted. I couldn't remember doing so, because at this point I wanted to hit the guy. Just lay him out. Just shut him the hell up.

This happened a few more times before I lost it.

"You know Bob, I could explain what is going on if you would just shut your mouth for two fu**ing minutes."

It was really a great way to start off a professional relationship.

I told him in certain terms that he had been greatly misinformed about the situation at hand. That there really wasn't a problem and maybe that he might want to take himself back to his desk and take his speech about 'stop work orders' and place it not so gently where the sun didn't shine.

You know, something like that.

Come to find out...Bob was the top dog of the group of people responsible for hiring the general contractors and overseeing the construction of the site.

Turns out that Bob was slightly displeased with my professional performance that day and wanted me off the site immediately.

Also turns out that my company wasn't that unpleased with my performance and kept me on-site until I was no longer needed.

I don't remember doing circles but in my mind I can view myself from above doing that though. Keeping the rage skin deep so that I didn't do something completely stupid.

It's been playing in my mind for the last few weeks. I don't think there's a reason expect for it being a memory that is on loop. My memories do that... loop themselves... like a song that gets stuck and you sing it over and over.

...About a month after that, a group of us (two from my company, some from the qc company, some engineers, some folks from Bob's company) were in a meeting at a spot with the work area, Bob mentioned that he'd been stabbed before.

"Gee Bob, with that shiny personality of yours, I can't believe anybody would want to do that" I said as I walked away.

Some people are just born winners I suppose.

So, once again, I have a story that happens when I'm driving home from work.

I take a left on to a street that has a high amount of traffic. Rare occasions you can get lucky to the intersection and there is hardly a car coming at you. This was one of those times. There was a car, but it was a distance, so I proceeded to take my turn. There's a light not too far from this turn. It is always red when you get to it.

So, this car that was way behind me pulls up beside me. This white dude around his mid 40's in a convertible Mercedes looks pissed and he's mouthing something in my general direction.

Of course my first thought was, look dude, f' off, I wasn't even close to your car.

Light turns green and he high tails it down to the next red light.

I pull up next to him again and I notice he's doing this funky white man dance and singing words to a song.

There is a slight bass coming from the car, but it didn't sound right, so I rolled down my window to get a better listen.

I hear some kind of rap... but it's backed up with this whinny black eye pea like tune. Just imagine some kind of boy band music with some light rap in it.

So, I'm looking at this old white dude... who looked like he was really trying to get into this music looking all pissed off... and I'm thinking... how are you getting pissed off with music that sounds like something I wouldn't even subject my cat to?

It was weak.

It was kinda disturbing.

It basically was just plain sad.

Maybe with a little DMX, Ja Rule, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg, 2 Pac, I could understand listening and getting pissed off at the world around you. Where you get out of your car and throw a fit of rage because off all the injustice in the world...

...but boyz to men gone rappish...

this is the stuff horror pictures are made of....

The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

----------------------------------------------

()Sometimes, just when you think that the day is the same as the last and will be the same for the next... you see something that you say... this day just became an original...

so i'm driving home from yet another 10... 11...12 hour day... i couldn't tell you which it was... there's so many of them... I'm truly not charging enough rent for each hour of my life that goes by...

I'm stopped at a light... which isn't unusual at all... for the seven or so miles i've got to travel home... there's 14+ lights... I see a multitude of blue and white flashing lights...

my first thought... "damn... someone fu**ed up"...

I was right... but not in my first impression...

As I got closer, I pulled out my rubber neck... there were six cop cars surrounding a pick-up on it's front and back sides... some poor schumk was on the ground handcuffed.

It was about a 10+ year old pick up... beat the hell up...

with my rubber neck firmly placed on my shoulders, my eyes took inventory of items in the back of the pick-up...

lawn mower, possibly a rake, a bucket, a safe, leaf blower...

...a safe?

ohhhhh homie... you did fu** up...

So a birthday comes and goes and I, probably like everyone else, evaluate every year where I am at that moment of time in my life. I for one, can't complain. Wonderful wife, comfortable job, and an angelic cat.

A good deal of my reflection is measured by where my father was at "this" age. I look at the differences, the likenesses, and the variables of both life situations.

Mind you, it's not something I dwell on. I marvel on it for a moment, then move on.

I guess in a natural and instinctual behavior sense, we could nearly pass for twins. I'm not sure where the road forks and where we become separate entities begins, but once the path splits, it seems the two paths distance themselves fast and far.

On this birthday, I mention to Mel that even how much I tend to separate myself from completely being like my father, it slowly creeps up that certain aspects of my life, my work ethics, and my natural instincts seem to mirror him.

Do I mind? Depends sometimes. Depends on the mood, habit or behavior that spotlights itself in comparison.

Personally, I just find it part of the cosmic humor of all things connected in one way or another. That even if I am my own flesh and blood... I am in a lot of ways...

...becoming my father.

I guess perhaps he is the role model I have... and though he has many faults and handles things in ways I wish were different, it seems to be the best one I have for the moment.

...well... he's not my driver. He's the company truck driver...

so.. we're there talking about waking up in the morning. He's the type of person that doesn't become near human till he's had some type of caffeined fuel added to his system...

... that's not saying he's all that human once filled with caffeine... but i digress...

my mom was the same way... she need at least two cups of Java and a few pages of her morning newspaper before her english became coherent. I think without the morning coffee my mother would have de-evolved to the cave man era... they probably would have understood just fine...

Even with my love of all things carbonated or coffeefied, i never had a problem getting started in the morning. At one point I was drinking at least 3 20oz (coke, pepsi, dr. pepper, you name it, it should probably be here, expect for, 7up (cuz that shit be nasty yo)) and then when i got home from work there was always a 2 liter waiting for me to guzzle...

my mouth waters just thinking about those lusciously shaped bottles and the "sorry but you are the biggest loser in the world and don't try playing this game again" caps...

my consumption of has decreased quite a bit... i'm still feeling the withdrawals... no more mac truck ramming headaches or the roller coaster blood sugar fits... but my body knows that something... something is missing from it's chemistry...

anyhoo... back to the story...

so there i'm taking to this short dude who's like 4' nothin... maybe a little taller and I'm thinking ... how the hell do you drive that truck... as i imagine his feet dangling from the seat not able to reach to the petals...

... sorry ...

I says to him... you know... i used to eat McDonald's quite often... ( my 'before Melissa days' cause now i'll get my assed kicked if i ate that much...)

McD's fries are the f'n best mo fo'n fries around... especially when they are scalding hot and salted to the max...

except i left out the f'n and mo fo'n when i was talkin to him...

when i stopped consuming large amounts of potato heaven... I found myself craving McD's when i would pass by one. I would go so far as to reach for my wallet... but I would keep on driving by....

It finally got easier to drive by one without the need to stop and clean the drool from my shirt, pants, steering wheel...

which was a good thing because when i got out of my truck... people seemed like they wanted to put me in some type of home...

I believe had continued down the road on I was on with these serious addictions...

... i would only be a McCola shell of myself ...

Of the 17 named storms, up to 10 of them could be hurricanes.

At least 1 of these hurricanes could hit the United States.

At least 1 huh? Don't we have the chance of getting hit with at least 1 hurricane every year?

Who comes out with these statements? If it were me... I'd be embarrassed...

1 hurricane...

Yesterday, I was cruising through the videos on Stumbleupon and I found this news story. It's about a blind kid that is able to use echo-location to see. I was totally amazed by the video... check it out... see what you think...

"There are none so blind, as those that will not see"
- Old Proverb

Chemistry was my second least favorite only because i didn't pay attention in class. i created stories and tales of blowing up the chemistry class. stories of such probably would get me sent to some specialist now adays....

i guess it's taken awhile for me to blow up geometry... so there ya go...

All i could think was... it's music man... it's the sounds of life flowing through my veins. It's a part of all of us... I will never give up on music... you just wait and see...

...fast forward to today... the radio finds itself stuck on talk radio because I can hardly stand today's music. The corporate american idol crap that flows through the air waves strikes some odd cord with me and reverberates down to my bones with an eerie chalkboard scratching feeling.

I love places where I can find different music like last.fm

I can sit and just hit play on samples of music to see if i like them. I also do this with the mp3 site that I pour money to. I'd tell you what it is but i'm sure someone will be jealous and try to stop me from taking part in that musically sound enterprise.

when you think about it, tom petty, bob dylan, and other wondrous people that have reached the stars and sang down to my ear would have been told to go home and never sing again by some english prick who just happens love love pretty girls with okay voices...

sex sells... they sell out... he sits back watchin the green rollin in while he whistles an out of tune note...

pimpin em out like million dollar ho's....

... but ...

I sit and complain about today's music like my folks and their folks before them... and so on and so forth...

i was right in a way... i haven't given up on music now that i'm older... i've just given up trying to find it on the radio...